the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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