Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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