We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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