I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
