Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We smell like vodka and hangover
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