Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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