coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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