i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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