hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
