I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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