I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
