sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
