apparently the secret to your success is patron
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
