i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
