he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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