Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
