i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
