your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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