It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
