why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
