Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
