So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
