He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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