im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
