just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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