everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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