now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
