That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
