He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
