i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just found a bag of teeth...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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