My room smells like vodka and shame
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
