We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
