I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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