I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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