I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
