I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
