some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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