dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
