I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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