i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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