im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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