Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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