You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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