oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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