So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was like eating out sand paper
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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