What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
