My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
