I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
