The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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