The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
