So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
