she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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